I guess a funeral can't always give justice to an unsung hero

 

I've been to quite a number of funerals in my lifetime- even of those the very closest to me. I've often found comfort and joy there, like the funeral was a celebration of that person's life. I know that this life is absolutely not the end, and that when someone departs from this life, they can still be close and have influence over all of us who are still in the mortal part of the great plan of our Father in Heaven. I don't know how anyone could stand it without this knowledge. I KNOW that the life of our spirits did not start at our mortal birth, nor will it end at death. I have felt that surety as I have given birth to four beautiful children, and as I have lost those I love so dearly at different times in my life. We have a precious gift of a body as we live here on earth, and will have it again forever when we are resurrected on that glorious day. Theses things I know for sure.

Because of this faith, funerals are not so sad- often, they are even fun as people reminisce about the life and the personality and the heart of the person who has passed on.  Now- I am going to be brutally honest, if someone happens to read this and is offended- please know that I do not mean to offend. I have some deep feelings that I need to express. I have been feeling so disappointed by my grandma's funeral. The music was perfect, and uncle Ken gave a wonderful tribute, Aunt Linda gave one of the best talks I've ever heard in my life, Uncle Joel gave some wonderful reminders from prophets about how to live as families-- and family was the very most important thing to Grandma. That part was great, and I think if it ended there, I would have felt satisfied, but, because of what happened next, I've felt angry, upset, and even empty. (a.k.a. someone went on and on and on and on about things that had absolutely no relation to grandma, and took up a huge part of her funeral with things that should have been shared at another time with other people). I know that it is over and done with. She is on the other side now, and I know she is happy. But- I feel mad that the exemplary, charitable, selfless, wonderful life she lived was overshadowed.  Some funerals make saints out of sinners, but hers did not give her justice. I have not been able to rest and feel comfortable with it. There is nothing I can do to change it, and I know that nothing is effected eternally, and I need to figure out how to just let it go.

Losing her has been extremely hard for me, and I don't mean just dying, but watching her degenerate. It has broken my heart to watch her mind and her body go. I guess I always thought she would be there, because she always always always has been there for me. Even in the very last weeks of her life when I would walk into her room and say, "hi Grandma!" and she would answer in a happy, bright tone "Hi, Nance!!" The tone of voice in which she would say my name just always made me feel so loved. Even when she was so sick and so tired, she would greet me in that happy tone. I was so amazed that she always knew my voice- not once did she ever wonder who it was or confuse me with anyone else. She knew and continues to know her children and grand children.

The reality that I won't see her for a long time- in mortal years- is really hard for me. I know that we always talk about happiness at funerals, happy for the person- and yes, I'm happy for her-- but I am really really sad too. And, it's okay to be sad for a while. My heart actually aches. I really miss her. I know she is happier and I wouldn't have it any other way, but I feel pain- and I'm glad that I do. I think if we feel sad when someone dies, it shows how sweet and precious the person was to us in life. I had a very different relationship with Grandma than most people, and it's hard to be put in the category of just a granddaughter because Grandma was one of the closest friends I will ever have in all of eternity. I had hours and hours of chats with her during my life. She fulfilled needs for me that no one else did- in fact, she saved my life, in an eternal sense. I know that I would be a very different person if it were not for her. She is a great soul who touched my life for good, and just the fact that she is my grandma reflects to me the great mercy that the Lord has.

Now, it's late and I'm tired, but I have more to say- so I will later. Here are a few pictures of the funeral.

The grandsons were the pallbearers

The spot of land in which grandma and grandpa, and my mom is buried- is one of the most beautiful places. There is a perfect view of the Logan temple. What a great symbolic place for the final resting place of such great people.

These are my mom's siblings... Left to Right: Jan, Chris, Jill, (My mom should be next), Ken, Joel, Linda

our family

Grandma and Grandpa's descendants in our family

My sisters and me (Stacy, me, Jenn, Amy) standing in back of mom's and grandma & grandpa's headstones

I did wear a bright yellow dress for a reason. I also dressed my little girls in white on purpose. I love symbolism, and that flows to many things that I do.  I wanted to focus on life and light rather than darkness and death.

When I was a little girl, I fell in absolute LOVE with 'The Sound of Music' at Grandma's house. I have watched it and listened to the music countless times. One of the songs I love is called "My Favorite Things," and one line begins, "girls in white dresses...." Which truly, little girls in white dresses is really really one of my favorite things in the universe-- especially MY little girls. So, as Julie Andrews sings, when she remembers her favorite things, then she doesn't feel so bad. Same with me... I decided to let some of my favorite things be with me that day-- to help me not feel so bad.

Jane

Abby

***Now it's a few days later and I feel more at peace.
I called my Aunt Chris when I could not get over the disappointment of the funeral. Chris soothed my soul, and I am okay. I have forgiven, and I know that Grandma knows we love her. I just hope she knows the magnitude of my love for her, and that I wish I would have given my praises of her during her funeral- she deserved that. I hope she felt my silent praises. I hope she knows how much I value her and love her.